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When Monsters Are Real


For around five years now, I have written about monsters.

Many people have often asked where my ideas come from, or comment how they "wouldn't want to see what goes on inside my head". I simply reply by saying the ideas just come to me, but I guess this is not the complete truth.

I very rarely talk or write about personal things; to my detriment, I have recently discovered.

I, like many many others, find it difficult to talk about mental health. In my case, this is mainly because I often fail to notice the signs, or have my priorities completely skewed. The realisation that something may be wrong comes only too late.

An alarmingly high proportion of people - many in the younger generations - suffer with some form of mental illness and are either unaware of it (be it due to lack of education and awareness of the subject) or simply cannot bring themselves to discuss it, which sadly is due to the stigma that society seems to have placed on the disorder.

Maybe it is because we are all conditioned more these days to believe "if we can't see it, it doesn't exist." In this case, I believe this goes for both the sufferers and the observers. Maybe we only feel the need to take up our GP's valuable time when we have something physical to show them that we know is wrong, or something we can easily put a dressing on and leave to heal itself.

How many of us would actually visit a practitioner to discuss feelings and thoughts that we know are harming us in some way? I'm hoping more than I think it would be, but it is only through my recent experiences that I now know how vital it is to vocalise these problems. And also how difficcult it is.

In 2013, I was first treated for anxiety and depression. It was a result of a few things that I tried to ignore over the course of a few (or many?) years, leaving them to fester under the surface. To me, aside from maybe feeling less enthused about certain things, getting tired more easily, maybe a little more irritable, I didn't feel any different than normal. It was those closest to me that noticed the change. But even when they told me, it merely added to my mood and I told them everything was fine. It must just be a bad work day (or week, month...)

I made a few mistakes and bad decisions along the way which then made me wake up and realise that I needed some kind of help. Thankfully, after around six months I was largely back on track. Not cured - as I do not believe that certain problems ever truly go away - but I could see where I could make improvements, and it all helped. I was soon able to live again without the help of medication and therapy sessions.

It was during this time that I discovered two things - my passion for writing, and that I was going to be a father. I still attribute my recovery to both of these events.

As far as my writing goes, it gave me an avenue to manifest feelings and thoughts I was having into something else, something tangible. Especially things that I still found it hard to talk about. I strongly believe that the monsters I created in my books - particularly the character of The Reaper in the Wildermoor trilogy - was my way of giving my demons a face, a name...some way to make them feel like they were physically there, so that I didn't simply ignore them.

I mentioned earlier that I don't believe mental illness every truly "goes away", and unfortunately this rings very true for me at this present time. Around six weeks ago, I unfortunately hit a wall again and had to seek help. The difference this time round is that I recognised the final sign myself and made the decision to step away from what had triggered it.

The problem was, I now believe that despite my previous experience and knowledge I gained as to how to help myself, I chose to ignore certain things for up to six months by that point! During the first week of my recovery, I felt lower than I had before. I felt like a failure, that I was letting down my wife and children at what turned out to be such a crucial time for us.

But did I ever consider throughout all of those months leading up to this that I was actually failing myself in any way?

Not once.

This time around, sadly I think my issues have been harder to overcome. But I am getting there. I am still distanced from my main 'trigger', but I am now working towards the day that I face it head-on again, knowing that that is the only way I will truly overcome my demons this time.

I am surrounded by great people, all of which either understand what I am going through or are doing their darnedest to try. Even if all they can do is listen.

I am not intending for this post to be able to educate anyone else as to how they can cope with their mental illness, or help someone they know who does, as I think it would be hypocritical of me to give advice seeing as though I am still struggling - but learning - myself. (I don't know, maybe that does make me qualified after all...?)

But for anyone out there who is experiencing any of these issues themselves, my only piece of advice would be to talk. Don't ignore it. It could be the worst thing you do.

For those who want to help someone in need, it's simple - don't feel like you have to have all of the answers. You won't. But letting that person know you are there for them, even if just to provide an ear to listen to their problems, no matter how minor they may seem to you.

It will largely be down to the sufferer themselves to overcome their problems. They will find what works best for them, but they cannot do it alone, or even be allowed to think they are alone.

As for myself, this time around I have found my own coping strategy, of sorts - whenever I felt like I was teetering in any way, I picked up a book. Although I am a writer, I've never been a massive reader. But books have now provided me with a distraction, somewhere for me to disappear to, if only for a few pages at a time. As a result, I am now half-way through my eighth book in six weeks! And these authors have inspired me in many ways, one of which is to focus more on my own writing.

In the last few days, I have had a breakthrough in the book I am currently writing (POISON IN THE WELL). One ingredient it was lacking was a new monster. I now have that. I have once again given my own internal monster a physical form.

It may not yet have a name, and I am still searching for the manner in which the good guy can possibly defeat it, but it's a start. A work in progress.

Like the authors whose work is helping me get through this, it is now my aim to write a story that other people like me can escape to if they need it.

It may still be early days, but I am holding the ending in sight.

Many thanks for reading.

- CTB -


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